


Holding on to Nothing

by abbythebaguette



Category: Big Mouth (Cartoon)
Genre: Jay Lowkey Sad Doe, M/M, Teen Romance, Unrequited Love, eventual angst, ill add more tags later
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-08
Updated: 2020-06-08
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:01:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 745
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24600511
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/abbythebaguette/pseuds/abbythebaguette
Summary: Jay is a ball of confusion and heat after he kisses a certain boy at a train-wreck of school sleepover, and has trouble managing his emotions and keeping his head. After a new girl is introduced at Bridgeton Middle, she teaches him the value of non-toxic friendship and how to keep it in his pants.
Relationships: Jay Bilzerian/Matthew, Jay Bilzerian/Matthew Macdell, Jay/Matthew
Comments: 2
Kudos: 27





	Holding on to Nothing

**Author's Note:**

> wowoweewow ive never written fanfic before 
> 
> chapter 1 takes place after the convo jay and matthew had s2 ep10
> 
> also its jays pov

“Yeah right! I’ll see YOU at the manhole in 10 years!” I yelled through a fake smile.

Dejected, I dropped my exaggerated happy expression as I watched Matthew stride to the school’s exit doors without looking back. I slowly lowered my arm as I leisurely turned around and started walking back to my locker. I tried to hold up my head and keep my eyes open, barely making it to the corner of the hallway before stumbling over air and slamming my body into a half empty garbage can, making my eyes shoot open. ”Ow, fuck!” I wailed, before spotting a half-eaten sandwich and looking around before messily shoving it into my back pocket. I didn’t get much sleep that night, I was too busy thinking about… something.

An event, specifically. That took place the previous night. The school sleepover was a tragically dramatic hot mess. Hot meaning the gymnasium was literally on fire, but that’s beside the point. The part that had me uncontrollably tossing and turning was that I kissed a boy, and.. liked it. Just like that dumbass song about lesbians that was stuck in my head for like a week. Shit, am I a lesbian? Well, anyway, it had me super confused and a little nervous, considering my brothers called me gay already. Though I was genuinely concerned because I am basically the school’s straightest kid. Straighter then the pole my mom dances on for fucks sake! All I ever talk about is swinging dicks and bonin’ chicks so why does my whole body heat up when I think about how I literally tongued..

..Matthew. I made out with Matthew. I still can’t process that fact. The openly gay, snarky bitch that the boys mock and role their eyes at, and the girls absolutely adore. Not in a jealous way, it’s just that everybody wants to be best friends with the popular gay boy I guess. But I, THE Jay Bilzerian, frenched Matthew fuckin’ Macdell. 

Why did I do it? I couldn’t tell you if I tried. And trust me, I’ve tried. Whatever the reason is, it kept me up until 4am while I mentally replayed what the hell happened next to the bleachers. Over. And over. And over. Until eventually after I heard “that was actually my first kiss” in my head for the 40th time and finally fell asleep.

Anyway, back to school. I sleepily walked down the hallway until I saw Nick and Andrew beside the water fountain. I assumed they were waiting for Jessi because they looked tremendously bored while making bad small talk, so as always, I slid over and desperately tried to chime into their “conversation”.

“Hey jerks, what’s..” my head slowly started to weigh down as my eyelids fluttered shut.

“..What’s...” I felt my weight give out and my legs fall behind me. “-GOOD?!” I shot up, realizing what was going on and getting a grip of my surroundings.

“Uhh.. Jay? You ok dude?” Nick asked half-sarcastically. 

“Yeah, you’re uncharacteristically fatigued for someone who usually is flinging cards at our faces by now.” Andrew added.

“Well guess what, idiots? I can be tired every once in a while too. I know, it’s shocking.” I said, unlocking my locker and grabbing my science book and journal, forcefully thrusting them into my string bag. “I’m riding my bike home, so Diane doesn’t have to drive me today Nick.” I mentioned as I threw the bag over my shoulder and pushed open the hefty school doors. 

As I rode my bike though town, passing all the stupid kids who have to walk home, I began to think. Is there something wrong with me? I mean, why am I all of a sudden feeling weird and awkward in front of random boys? This really isn’t like me at all! Usually I’d have to pop into the bathroom to jerk off if a girl showed too much cleavage, but today I was just being... different. I wasn’t really myself. God, am I still thinking about what happened with Matthew? Is that what this is about? Why can’t I stop thinking about that? I wish I could just turn off my thoughts to have a minute of peace for once!

My mind felt like it was going 100 mph with thoughts rushing in and out before they were interrupted when I saw Matthew on the sidewalk. My eyes hesitantly made their way down his back and onto his...

... Well, fuck.

**Author's Note:**

> sorry this was short! im getting used to writing fanfic and future parts will probably be longer :) lemme know what u think


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